I am pondering the things that always seem to change this time of year. It's like cleaning out one's closet except it is one's life that get's cleaned out. In the Program we call it an inventory. Just like in a store. Take stock of what you've got, see what you want to put on sale, and what just needs to go in the trash heap. And then, of course, there is *the keep* pile.
Therapy is on the keep pile, although I'm waiting to find out that it's really worth my time. I keep telling myself that my therapist doesn't really know me yet and I need to give it some time. So I will.
What once was *Coffee with Reclaiming and Friends* (for those who have committment issues) has been put on the trash pile. It was all *friends* and no Reclaiming. It was hijacked by the Meetup group. Not a bad lot as humans go but not Reclaiming. The guy that organizes the meetups even made signs that said Pittsburgh Witches Meetup Group. So people would not be confused. I was not confused. And I asked him to STOP advertising the coffees as a Reclaiming event. Cause it's not. I was the only one there who would commit or admit to being Reclaiming so since I'm not going and no one else wants even to commit to any tradition at all they need to come up with a new name.
We'll do our Reclaiming stuff at a different time in a different place and it will be called Reclaiming and it will look like Reclaiming and if they still want to play with us they are welcome. But, kindly, don't call it something else.
Okay, I'm pissed! Yep!
But, I caused my little wave and the coffees are renamed and I have fielded the emails and phone calls that begin, *What the hell was that all about?* And I did not make that decision on my own. Those us us with the metaphorical balls to call ourselves Reclaiming witches made the decision. So, it's over and although feelings were hurt there are consequences to sitting on the fence too long. Like it gets to be a pain in the ass.
And boundaries are way up there on the keep list. I've had enough crossed lately to take stock of how, exactly, I am expressing myself and revising just what I say and do so there are no grey areas wherein anyone could be confused about my physical boundaries. I will say, *No, you can't have a hug.* Because the no body language, even a hand sticking out and a step back were apparently to ambiguous.
Walking and yoga and weights are keepers too. Gotta keep the downward flow of energy bouncing back up somehow.
And Al-Anon. That is definitely a keeper.
That's it for now. Inventories don't have to be done all in one day.

dog news

I had a giant scare yesterday. Seuss, our BIG dog was not behaving as usual at the park. Lagging behind, not running, sitting down when I stopped to wait for him to catch up. On the way home I was watching him closely and found a lump that was quite huge (how could I have missed that?) on his left side. We lost our Lab to cancer a few years ago and I was worried that Seuss had cancer too. Well, NO. He has fatty tissue deposits, according to the vet. He is just FAT. So, now he is on a special diet. Two cups of food a day. No more. Relieved. Vastly relieved.

shells

I have a shell like the T-Rex musta had. Unless they were incubated toothless. Seems unlikely. I've known this for some 20 years or so. I was not too very disturbed by it. It served it's purpose. Other people found it intimidating. As well they should! That was part of the purpose. I was told that Witchcamp would crack me open. NOT! See, I've always taken a BAD view of anyone who thought my shell could be cracked by ANY external event. They were there. Waiting for me to crack. They cracked. Not me. Not the T-Rex shell. I think I felt like if someone was waiting so obviously gleeful about it, that was NOT the time. Mind you, my shell was permeable to the things I needed. Otherwise I would not have changed ever. It, I, knew when it was time to begin to peck, gnaw, open. I have always thought that people who were so worried about my shell ought to be more worried about their own or their lack thereof. But, cracking open it is. Not from any external force but from within, it is time. It has been mentioned, noticed by others whom I consider *safe*. Not gleeful. I have shed more tears in the past week than in the past 30 years. Healing tears. Not tears of rage or selfishness. Not tantrums. Grief. And, apparently, this is the sign to the other humans that I am one of them. That I am not as together as I might appear. I'm not being conceited. It has been spoken that I am so together and sane. I do think I'm sane. (ooh, that could be bad.) But it's nice to have my humaness recognised too.

It's been a crying day. It started almost as soon as I got up. I saw a therapist for the first time yesterday. First real session. It was not too bad. But it was probably what set me off. Everyone seems to think that I need to move out of MY house asap. (my therapist too, went on about the possibilities) Well, be that as it may, asap is not going to be all that soon. Financially, I just cannot do that. It will take some time and other changes before that becomes the thing I can do. I still have to live in the mean time. And my biggest concern is that I will lose my suppost system in the mean time because they don't like what I'm doing, the choices I'm making. Which is rally scary. The people in my house are no sort of healthy support system and the people I'm afraid of losing are. But, I can't make choices I can't see my way clear to just because others think I should.

And if the friendships, support systems I have are so tenuous that they would fall apart on account of my not doing what they think I should...well, then, maybe they aren't as supportive as I thought. I need to do what I can, when I can, as I see it being useful and possible. Although I am nopt opposed to trying the impossible...trying to rent on NO money just doesn't seem like a good idea. I think it's called *being homeless* or...*squatting*. I DO have a home. It ain't the most healthy place on Earth but it is warm and dry. I'm not saying that I won't ever move out. If it becomes a reality then so be it. But, for now, I'll live in the building for which I pay a mortgage. I will see to my own safety within this sick system and do my best to be as emotionally balanced as I and my Higher Power can arrange. I have other issues to work on and I am doing that. I can't live my life according to other people's expectations. Therapists, friends and support system included.

I went to the Al-Anon meeting that everyone has been telling me is the best in Pittsburgh this morning. It conflicts with yoga so I had not been. I sat there and cried through the whole meeting (trying not to the whole time) and then when it ended the dam sorta broke and I just couldn't stop. It was all about the friends I am afraid I'll lose because I'm making decision that differ from their suggestions. I didn't ask for suggestions. I was only looking to vent. But, that's how people are. Some have not really perfected their mind reading skills. It's hard. I live in a crazy situation. I have no real options at the moment. I think I'm pretty sane in spite of my household. Don't get me wrong...I have my issues. But not living in the Truth isn't one of them. Being able to live in/with the Truth and be okay in who I am. That's what I try to do. It seems to be working for now and I have faith that the Goddess will make it crystal clear when it is not. That's how my program works. That's what conscious contact is about.

This feeling that I'm letting everyone down. That's probably my codependence shining through.